I am astounded at the lack of time, energy and creativeness that people put into crafting their online dating profiles. C’mon now, do I really want/care to know that you enjoy making large scale wooden model ships at this point in the game? Ummm, no not really. Tell me something interesting, witty, something that makes you stand out from all the other losers out there. I mean really, you are paying for this site, why not make the most of it? So here are a few tips for anyone that might be reading of what you shouldn’t include in your online profile.

 Don’t shout it out loud on your headline that you have genital herpes. I know this is a double edged sword, I appreciate the guys honesty, but dude, it’s going to make me stay in a land farfarfar way from your profile and your herpes. I do not want to spend the rest of my life living in a Valtrex commercial.

Your love of firearms is not a good selling point. Now I’m sure there are plenty of  a few chicks out there who dig that in a man, but I’m guessing most of them are not looking for mates of your persuasion. And quite frankly, it scares the fuck out of me. It took a lot for me to adjust to the fact that people can drive around with shotguns hung from their back window (plus I can’t ride their ass when they are going twofuckingmiles an hour on the road, I don’t want to get shot, which is really a bummer cause that was one of my fave things to do.)

Poor grammar. This is one of my biggest pet peeves! Seriously, you turn me off with your mutterings of how you like to have great converstions, or how intellagint you are. Or maybe this is a ploy so I’ll like you know, dress up in a tight skirt and put my glasses on and be all, you’ve been a bad boy, spell fellatio correctly for me and I’ll show you how it’s done right. If this is the case, I can’t complain, pretty sneaky sis, pretty sneaky.

Post a picture!! I promise you, you will get a ton more responses if you post a decent recent picture of yourself. I don’t want to see the classics that were shot at an Olan Mills studio with you in front of a New England backdrop with all your brothers and the leaves all turning fall colors. Dork.

 And, bonus,  if you post a good picture it will eliminate you having to answer the question what do you wish more people would notice about you by saying “from my appearance sometimes people think I am mean.” Oh and don’t post pictures of Pegasus on profile, it’s just plain creepy. Ligers, ok, but Pegasus, no way.

If you have children, that’s great. But please, do not say that they have SPAWNED emotions in you that you have never felt before. What are we talking here, demon spawn, the fact that you never really wanted to have kids but got your last girlfriend knocked up and you got stuck with them, or, I shudder to even think, the fact that you probably shouldn’t be around children anyway. Which brings us back to the point about the picture, always put up a good picture so I know that you don’t belong on the local sex offender registry wearing one of those electronic ankle bracelets (cause yes, I do check those sites for YOU before I entertain the thought of going out with said offender you.)

Your username. This is HIGHLY important. Stay away from names like Junebug (who told you that was good? You sound gay.) and love4everreal (ok Rico Suave) or whatrdoin2night (well hmm, I hadn’t thought to ask what r doin, maybe he doin U)

Do not, I repeat do not get stuck in the 80’s. I’m still looking for someone to rock my world…ok, so go watch Rock of Love or something. And dude, stone-washed jeans, MC Hammer pants and mullets have been out for a wicked long time. It’s 2009! For the love of Pete!

Your tag line should NEVER include the following phrases: “Boom Chicka Now Now,” all I think of is bad porn. “Wanted: Best Friend and Playmate” are we talking of the Playboy variety? “How You Doin” should I just call you Joey Tribiani? “Complexity/Simplicity” you sound bi-polar dude!