This is what I woke up to this morning.

Hawt coffee, mmmm. Log into Facebook, log into gmail. New message on Match, hmmm, maybe this will be the one!  And I get this….

Umm, I think NOT.

Subject – You seem like a great girl (I am, thankyouverymuch!)

Now, I shit you not, this email was a whopping 7 paragraphs long and he keeps referencing me in third person like he didn’t even send the fucking email to me. It’s entirely too long to post, but too fucking unbelievable *special* for me to not give a brief synopsis as to why this person will be blocked from EVER contacting me again.

I’m a guy and, as such, yep, I do want to, as you say, “hook up” but I swear it isn’t just TO “hook up.” Nope, I want someone who’ll last. I’d love for you to teach me how to play Guitar Hero (although it seems you actually mean Rock Band based on the drums).

Ok, no bonus points there, plus you keep insulting me saying that I don’t know what I’m talking about when I say I like to play Guitar Hero. I happen to know that Guitar Hero world tour has drums because I own it!

(Why am I still going with this letter? I have no idea. Just the fact that I’ve said I want sex also has likely already taken me out with this girl, but she seems so lovable…)

Ok, here we go with the third person. You did send this to ME, right? And somebody seems a little preoccupied with the fact that I clearly state in my profile that I’m not looking to just hook up. Get laid much? My guess is never!

If you can only get over the fact that I’m a human male and, as such, yep, I do want sex. Somewhere down the line, if we hit it off, I want to know there will be sex. I don’t go out of my way to just frustrate myself. Surely you can understand that, right?

Ok, side note on this paragraph. He starts it off by referencing a cancer charity that I volunteer with and in the midst of praising my volunteer work with sick children, adds in the fucking sex stuff again! Somewhere down the line if we hit it off..ummmm, that would be a WORLD of NO.

I guess what I’m saying is please just give me a chance and let’s talk a little, just a little, ok? No, it is not my intention to hop in the sack with you right out of the gate, but I also don’t want to completely avoid the issue either. Seriously, let’s play Guitar Hero, let’s go to the movies, let’s hit some museums, and of course, let’s do movies and dinner. I say let’s have all the fun in the world (although I’d prefer you chipped in a little, ok? I’m not the richest guy).

Ok, so what you’re really saying is that you want to play Guitar Hero, go to the movies, go to dinner and have sex with me, but I have to chip in because you’re not that rich!?!?! WTF….dude even if you were rich, I’d still say nofuckingway.

Please don’t just send me away simply because I’ll be the honest and upfront guy you claim to want and will tell you, yep, I do want sex as well as the movies, dinner, the beach, visiting the chemotherapy children, someone to go to the mall with, hit museums with, who’ll show me even how to play Guitar Hero or bang on the drums (**assuming it’s Rock Band) but who also finds you very very attractive as well.

Ahhh, he wants to bang the drums AND me, swoon. **again with the reference to Rock Band, seriously, as if you hadn’t dug yourself in a hole already, now you’re correcting my own profile!

What else can I say? I’m sorry. I’m not some celibate monk, not hardly, but if you think all I want is sex you are very very badly mistaken!

Oh am I? Really? I don’t think the monastery would take you!

I just hope you can see beyond, see what I’m really saying here. You do so sound like the kind of girl I’d love to be my girlfriend (but I only say that lest I scare you off by saying the “w” word when it isn’t really necessary.)

You hope I can see beyond, see what you’re really saying? I see what you’re really saying, you’re a creepy guy who can’t get laid and desperately wants to.  The “w” word? Does he mean whackadoo?

How about this? Just think of me like the shabby, tired, beat up doggie in the window. I’d so much like to speak with you, get to know you, go out with you, hang with you, but I also want to know I’ll be held as well, that there won’t be this “you can’t touch me” to you. You are, what seems to me to be, a fantastic girl for me.

Think of you like a dog, I most definitely will. You just want to be held? Oh, so now he’s making demands, all you have to hold me, blah, blah. I’m amazed that he got how fantastic I actually am from a little profile on Match. I guess I’m a better writer than I think!

The ending line is the kicker

You just give me such a positive… I don’t even know how to describe it.

You may bow down now.

For all you non-single ladies out there, give your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, husband/wife, partner a big ‘ole hug tonight and be grateful you’re not me. Getting emails from creepy guys who like want to take you out, play guitar hero and have sex with you….as long as I chip in pay for it!

Tagged as: dating