That’s what I’m starting to feel like with this whole dating thing. That I’m just going through the motions.
Sure, I log into my match and eharmony accounts daily. Check out my top 5 matches, check off the obligatory “yes,” “no,” or “maybe” based on what their pictures look like (I’m not shallow, I just think I should at least be somewhat attracted to this person at first glance!), so I can get to the next loser, er um, I mean match.
Honestly, I think no matter how much I say I want a relationship, etc…I have a huge fear of commitment. I’ve been in some pretty crappy relationships in the past and I get scared.
I love to flirt. I like the thrill of it. When it comes down to committing or even a second date, I get bored easily and find way too many excuses to get out of it.
When I went out on my first date with Prince Albert, he said he had read this book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (fuck me gently with a chainsaw, there are five!?!?!?) They are verbal, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. So the Prince asks me to rank these 5 in order of importance to me. I’m all, pretty heavy stuff for a first date, but what the hell. So I list mine (for the life of me I can’t remember in what order I actually put them, but I’m pretty sure it went something like quality time, physical, acts of service, verbal and gifts.)
Then he’s all, you sound just like a guy.
WTF?!?!?
I haven’t actually read this Five Languages of Love, but I think I need to pick it up, because obviously I’m doing something wrong here if I sound like a dude.
Maybe I’m not ready yet, maybe I just haven’t figured out what I truly am looking for which could result in me looking for the wrong thing. Anywhos, I do know that what I am currently doing is not working.
I am drawn to those I know I can’t have. The one’s who are too far away, just where I like them. Where I can flirt shamelessly via text, email or phone and not have to commit. But sometimes that just leaves me longing for more. More of what I know I can’t have because it will go nowhere really fast.
Here comes another text….could he be Mr. Right or he is just Mr. Right-Now?
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve been reading your blog and I have to say, I think you are on to something there when you wonder if you are ready for a relationship. You’ve been in some really painful relationships and that can really change your view of what is acceptable or normal. Why not take some time and just hang? Relationships – at least to me – aren’t about commitment, but about intimacy. Trusting someone, dropping your guard, being able to be yourself, liking the person you are around this person, liking the way they are around you.
And if you’re still reeling from what’s happened in the past, it’s really hard to let your guard down, to trust. And online dating doesn’t really allow for a relationship to build. It’s quick yes/no before you really get to know anyone.
What if you decided to stop looking and just go live and take classes or whatever you are interested in. You’ll meet people along the way and you might meet someone you like enough to see more.
Oh, I’ve read that Five Love Languages book. It’s pretty repetitive (and kinda preachy) but the concept is a good one. Quality Time is high on your list and gifts are low. So if you were with a busy career who sent you flowers all the time, but rarely had time to see you, you wouldn’t be happy. He could be trying to show you love the way he knows it – gifts or words – but you wouldn’t *feel* the love, because those aren’t your ‘language.’
It doesn’t have to be this Big Thing or anything like that. You aren’t doing anything wrong. There is no right way or wrong way, no masculine way or feminine way. Just a handy way of knowing yourself.
So this guy doesn’t sound like he brings out the best in you if you’re worried about doing things wrong and sounding like a guy. Nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with him, but together, you don’t bring out the best in each other.
Thanks Lisa, you bring up some really valid points and some stuff for me to think about.
I got the impression the book was kind of preachy as well.
I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. I was the SAME way. I loved the flirtation…the texts and e-mails. The guy who moved to Russia and called me for phone sex? That was a THRILL! And I loved the juggling…the playing the field…keeping my options open. First dates, guys at the club to dance with, random guys I’d connect with out in town…..
And you know what? I miss some of that as a married woman. I don’t miss the lonliness that came along with it. I don’t miss the nights when my cell wouldn’t chirp, or a date went bad, or a guy didn’t call. But I do miss that “high” of a new guy. The thrill of the unknown. You can be as adventurous as you want in a marriage, you can’t recreate that feeling.
It’s a trade-off. At some point you (figuratively, not personally) have to choose…the thrill, excitement, non-commitment. Or the stable, secure, sometimes boring commitment. Both have pros and cons, you know? I think the desire to have it both leads some people to have open marriages. But I don’t know if I think that’s a good solution.
Anyway. Try to relax
Enjoy the stage you’re in right now. I know, easier said than done some days.
It’s totally exciting. The way I figure, when I do meet the right person, I won’t crave or miss that anymore, I’ll have it all the time! Squee!
One day my prince will come!
I read that book. Honestly, you aren’t missing anything. And if you want to read it that bad, I will gladly send you mine and you can HAVE it. LOL
*I randomly found you – can’t remember where and I’ve never read you before so I don’t feel that I can offer advice. But I can offer you a book!
Thanks Michelle! Glad you stopped by and I hope you’ll be back.
I think I’ll pass on the book. I got the jist of it and basically it’s up to me to figure out where those languages fit into my life.
I mean, the guy preaching the book to me had a prince albert….I’m guessing his language of love is pain!
Love your blog! Geez, I can so relate to the whole dating thing. Last guy I tried dating I was so excited, he was cute , fit, fun, my age, actually wanted a committment…but of course totally emotionally dysfunctional. Within weeks the level of immaturity nearly drove me nuts. I almost talked myself into going to thereapy with him, thinking I found the last handsome man over 40 actually looking for a relationship. Fortunatly I wisened up and came to my senses and ran the other direction as fast as I could run. Big sigh…onward bound.
Thanks Grechen!!!
I’ve decided that I don’t think dating is fun. At all. But I will keep on doing it, because I truly believe there is someone out there for me. And I can take as long as I need to. I refuse to settle!