I am very close with my family. Well, my immediate family anywho.

My dad’s family is big, he had 8 brothers and sisters. I had one uncle who’s family I never met (which I totally should have considering he had a son who was my age and went to school thisclose to where I lived and we could have totally dated and not even known we were related. Which would totally have been all gross and incestuous. Eww.) Then there were two that didn’t live near us and I only met once or twice in passing. But for the most part, the rest of us spent every holiday, birthday, weekend, etc. together. Well all went to the same High Schools and hung out. A lot!

One in particular, who I’ll call Dick, was a few years older than I was and we were super close. I guess I kind of looked at him like the brother I never had but so desperately wanted (hello, big brothers have cute friends!) We hung all the time. So when Dick and his fiance asked me to be in their wedding, I was thrilled. I had just moved out of NY, so it gave me an excuse to go back for fittings and wedding stuffs. I couldn’t do the last fitting in NY so I had to have said fiance send me the dress to get it fitted in NH, which meant she had to put down the final monies owed on it for me (this will be important later.)

Flash forward about two years. I’ve been out of NY for a while now, I try to make it back as often as I can and every time I do, I see Dick and his fiance. It’s still all hunky dory, then wifey gets knocked up. She was a whiny bitch to begin with, but now she’s all, OMG this baby is scratching my kidney. I can’t do anything. This baby keeps me up all night. I swear, it’s tearing apart my insides. Like she’s the only pregnant person that ever existed and no one has ever gone through anything like this. I don’t go to the baby shower, but my sis does. And she gets bit. By a rabid mosquito that was infected with Encephalitis and my sister, being my sister, of course catches it and winds up in the hospital all spinal-tappy at around the same time she had to move out of her apartment and the preggo has the baby.

Now, my parents, do what any good parents would do. They visit my sis and help her move and in the midst of their daughter being all sick and everything, they don’t get a chance to visit darned kidney scratcher. Hey, that’s what she gets for putting her momma through all that horribleness, right?

Dick proceeds to call my MOTHER, not my dad, of course, and tell her how she disrespected his family, she should have known better and she should have made time to visit his newborn angel. Cause she was only there for a weekend and didn’t have anything better to do like make sure her daughter, who no one else ever came to visit in the hospital (and BTW she got sick at your bitchy wife’s bridal shower, so yeah, it’s partially your fault) was alright and got all moved and everything. Sure, she’ll come visit you guys, NOT.

So, my mother being my mother sends them a congratulations card with a check for said kidney scratcher. Months go by and they don’t cash the check. My parents change banks and of course that would be the fucking second they decide to cash the check. Ringy, dingy. Dick is on the phone all bitching out my dad because they tried to cash the check and it bounced (hello, who told you to take your sweet ass time cashing the check!) and they got charged fees from their bank and they will be sending my parents a bill for that.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.  My dad sends them a brand spanking new check, overdraft fees included and we don’t ever speak to Dick again. Sometimes you just gotta cut your losses and move on.

We still talk to his brother and family. It gives me great pleasure to know that they STILL talk about how I never paid them for the dress. The god awful, black velvet dress that I wore in their wedding a billion years ago that I have long since thrown out. Cause no, you can’t cut those dresses down and wear them again, really. I could send them a check for $100 and be done with it, but why? I have coach bags I need to buy and I’ll never see them again.

Except on Facebook. Where we have mutual friends. And I like to post vague comments about them on other friends status updates. That are really kind of insulting. Because they deserve it. And because they are dicks.

And they can suck it.