Did you ever get slapped in the face with a wooden spoon? It doesn’t tickle.

 I have been MIA for a while. It has been so freaking busy, but that’s a good thing I guess. Job security, right?

 I had high hopes and big dreams. I had visions of parties on a beautiful patio. Wine by moonlight with a firepit crackling and dancing. BBQs with friends and family. More space.

 They were all squashed. Bastard.

 Back in April the end of March, I met with a contractor who was going to extend my lanai. I have a decent size one now, but I just wanted a little bit more space. Just 10 ft out. A few other fixes and I would be happy. He came out to my house and the meeting went well. He had some great ideas, didn’t seem too pushy and the price was decent.

 I signed an estimate, gave him a $200 deposit and he was on his merry way.

 To his boat.

 To sail to some god-forsaken island.

 But you can bet he cashed my check before he left.

 I didn’t hear anything the first week. The second week his “engineer” came out to do official measurements and shit. Then nothing.

 I called the sales dude and he said that they couldn’t file any permits because there was no survey. I was searching high and low for the survey that was done on my property when the house was built, but I couldn’t find it. The guy that did my first lanai apparently took it and never gave it back to me. You’d think a contractor would be able to either a. do a survey or b. hire someone.

 But no, they were waiting on me.

 Another $200 to have a survey done. Which I had rushed, cause hey, I really wanted my wine on that patio!

 I emailed the survey. Nothing. I’m talking weeks here.

 It’s now mid-May. I’m on vacation. In Vegas. I get a phone call from said engineer that he filed all the permits and they were thisclose to getting approved and we would be on our way. Sweet!

 I had visions of having it done by Memorial Day and having a BBQ.

 Memorial Day came and went and nothing.

 I had to go to my own freaking home owners meeting to make sure my plans got approved cause dipshit never submitted them. When I asked him to send me the plans? I got literally lines drawn on a piece of paper. My one year old cousin could have drawn them.

 I was pissed. Every time I called he was with someone and sounded annoyed. At me. For what, I have no idea. He’s the one who had my $200 and I had nothing.

 So, after waiting another week, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I called my counties permitting office to find out exactly when the permits were filed and when I could expect them to be approved.

 I wanted that damn glass of wine. Real bad.

 I was utterly and completely shocked when the permitting office told me they didn’t have any permits filed for my property. Never heard of my contractor.

 Sweet.

Crap balls.

 I did some more digging and spoke to some other folks at the permitting board. This so called contractor was only licensed in a different county. And there is no reciprocity for contracting licenses.

 I confront the engineer with this information. He babbles and stammers. I tell him I’m done. He apologizes and finally admits that he hasn’t filed anything. I tell him again, I’m done. He gives my number out to their latest job and she proceeds to call me three times a day to tell me just how happy she is with their work. I politely tell her to bugger off and quit calling me, I didn’t give them permission to give my number out.

 I get a call from the sales dude. He’s pissed. I couldn’t give a rats ass. I’m telling him I’m done. He wants to meet, face to face. There is nothing he could possibly say at this point to make me change my mind. So I tell him to bugger off too and that I want my $200 back. He refuses.

 A bunch of threatening emails following. Along with some early morning phone calls. He threatens to sue me for loss of profits.

 Really?

 This coming from someone who told me this job would go smoothly because he didn’t have to order any materials because he had everything in his warehouse.

 This coming from someone who couldn’t get licensed in my county to do this job.

 This coming from someone who had my $200 and made me spend an additional $200 to get a damn survey done.

 Oh hells no.

 The paper I did sign was a glorified estimate. It didn’t say anything about having to cancel by a certain date, etc.

 I went to a lawyer. He wanted to charge me $600 to write a letter. Fuck I’m in the wrong field.

 I wrote down some buzz words and drafted the letter myself, but never actually saying I was the one who was canceling. I did a pretty damn good job too.

 Then I took my little fanny over to the Department of Business and Regulations and filed a complaint against him and his shady engineer.

 I haven’t heard from him.

 I met with another contractor who wanted to charge me an arm and a leg to extend my lanai. I needed that arm to bring the wine glass to my lips and my leg to actually carry me out to the lanai to enjoy my wine, so I decided not to extend it. But, during my meeting, the new contractor told me the guy I had used was being sued. All over the place. Like in Atlanta even.

 And he saw him at a home show. Walking around in a bathrobe. Trying to sell bathrooms.

 I thought about picketing. But decided against it.

 I just want my $200 back. Dickhead. I have wine to buy.

Tagged as: assholes, crappy contractors, department of business and regulations, getting sued, venting