Enter Target boy.
We were “matched” on eHarmony and he sent me the first round of questions. They were the standard answers that every dude who is looking to get laid meet someone uses. Seemed harmless enough.
I was a little skeptical, since he seemed pretty cute in his two pics. I hate that I think that way. I see a cute guys pic and I automatically think, why would he be interested in me. Pathetic.
We breezed through all the hokey questions eHarmony makes you answers and started open communication.
The subject of his email? Cheesey!
Hmm, what the hell did that mean? So I clicked to see. The email was plain and simply “I had no idea that it was possible remaining sexy and lineing up a put and poseing with wolverine?”
Alrighty then.
So I responded, I’m not sure what you mean. What’s cheesey, my pics?
Subject – Hahahahahahah Email – Cheesey? Was my response. Poor attempt at quoteing Jerry Maguire. Let me try again! Nachos at a yankees vs rays game $5.00. Little Caesar slice of pizza $6.00. Ur pictures in vegas priceless.
Now, I’m not a Tom Cruise fan, so if I have seen Jerry Maguire, it was a bazillion years ago. I haven’t been to a Little Caesar in forever (which I believe they used to have them at Kmart, I should have known.) So I’m not sure if his statistics are right.
But I can tell you my pictures from Vegas are, in fact, priceless.
So, when I asked about him, he sent me the Cliff notes version. Born and raised in blah, blah, went to University of Blah, employed at Target.
Screeching halt.
Not that I have anything against employees of Target, he just put manager as his occupation and I guess it never dawned on me that he was a manager at a store. My bad.
He goes on. Hope you read my profile? Looking for future wife and mother of my CHILDREN, not just to hit it!
Not sure exactly what “it” is, but I’ll go with that. I hope he didn’t mean me or my girly bits. And that sounded more like a want ad than personal ad, but hey, I guess they are all one and the same, right?
Back to him. I’m honest, loyal, adventurous, and my friends would describe me as humorous, outgoing, athletic, and romantic!
In the next email exchange, he said that I had him smileing again.
Wow, was I good or what?
In the next round of emails it was more getting to know you stuff, but here are a few highlights:
I have not talked to or been on a date, because I know what I want and will not compromise.
He likes where he lives and he’s in the process of makeing this happen? (Yes, he put a question mark after saying he’s in the process of making this happen. Unsure or not to swarthy with a keyboard? I’ll never know.)
I won’t bore you with the next round of emails. They are tough deciphering, because they are filled with exactely, knowone, log term realtionship, and gross misuses of their/there/they’re.
We moved on to phone numbers. We texted back and forth for a few days and I asked when we could meet. He was busy, what with it being tax free week and people were headed to Target for back to school supplies.
Silly of me.
Then the following texts ensued
Him: Out of a possible 10 where would u rate urself as far as being an aggressive women. Not ambitious.
Me: What do u mean by aggressive? That’s a strange question.
Him: Ok. Do you find urself being fluffy, well I might, or direct, I want more often
Me: Still not following! U want more of what often?
Me: If there’s something specific u want to know just ask
Him: Forget it.
Me: No tell me what u meant.
Him: Sorry my ADD just kicked in. I forgot what we were talking about.
Me: Here’s what you just said : and I pasted the text here
Him: I said that hmmmm. Lack of sun must be clouding my brain.
Me: Ok I get it (I didn’t. It literally took me a full day to figure it out.)
Him: Cool like Fonzie
Me: Nothing. I couldn’t even respond to that one
Later on that evening I tried again.
Me: So ru done being all vague like you were earlier?
HIm: What?
Me: Nevermind.
The next day
Me: Hey, don’t want to bother you but ru still interested in chatting? Our convo yesterday didn’t go so smooth so I just thought I’d be direct and ask before I texted u silly things like how’s ur day going.
5 hours later…
Him: Hey you, blah, blah, bah. Yeah, ur right our talk yest did not go as planned. I don’t consider myself raunch or a freak as you call it (I never said anything of the sort!) However, I am 36 now and I know what I want in a women. I am not looking to hit it and quit it (there he goes again with this!) I am looking for a sensual aggressive women that shares what I am looking for. From our conversations I don’t believe this is you.I know that we just met and it probably takes time for you to open up and get to know someone from what you told me about your past (which was pretty much nothing.) I can appreciate and respect that I;m just looking at this point in my life for someone whos guard is down.
WTF???
I guess it was probably good that I had a typo in the last line of my response to his text. I wrote, too bad I didn’t want to give it a chance.
Whoops! I guess that was devine intervention.
So, somewhere between aisle 8 and 9 of a Target, he decided I wasn’t open enough for him. We didn’t even get to talk on the phone.
Now I don’t feel so guilty about judging his Target employment, he judged me before we even spoke! Besides, I couldn’t deal with all the typos. It sometimes took me a good hour to get through an email with all the grammar mistakes. If there’s one thing I hate, spelling and grammar mistakes. Drives me batty.
Up next is the Hurricane dude.
There’s a storm comin’.
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