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Blackberry

I should never have to wake up to mean emails. They make me want to curse and it’s not good to curse first thing in the morning. Besides, I can come up with more colorful phrases once I’ve had my coffee.

by The Bare Essentials Today on October 3, 2009

I used to live with this dick guy. Every morning when the alarm would go off, I would say something to the effect of “aw, fuck, it’s way too early. I don’t wanna get up yet.”  Every morning he would lecture me on how cursing first thing when you get up is not good, it ruined his day, changed the whole tone of the day, blah, blah, blah.

Thankyouvery much Tony freakin Robbins.

This week I have woken up to two emails that made me want to curse like a truck driver. Which I do anywhos, so it’s not really out of the norm, but they really ticked me off.

I had my crackberry charging near my bed and saw it as soon as my alarm went off. So not only was my alarm annoying the crap out of me, I got to see this little gem before I even had one foot on the floor. (Note to self, do not charge crackberry in bedroom. That is my space and it’s all about me in there!) It was from an employee, who emailed my boss and copied me on it basically saying that I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t do what I promised them I would do and they needed upper management to step in. I stormed into work, explained the situation to my boss and all was right with the world. However, this particular employee continued to surface with the same complaint all fucking week. Over and over the emails would go back and forth to my boss and to another outside vendor that we use.

The next irate email that I received was actually just this morning and it wasn’t work related. Every morning I get up and check all, yes I said all…don’t judge, my email accounts. I have a separate one for my Match/eHarmony personals and one for my Yahoo personals. I don’t subscribe to Yahoo personals, but I do have a profile up there. Some loser dude emailed me there on 10/1 with some highly witty message like “Hi, can we talk?” So enticing, right? Anywho, I can’t really respond to these messages because I don’t pay for a membership, so I can choose from a bunch of stock phrases that are in a drop down box. If they are somewhat interesting, I might choose one to respond with. But when the first like of their profile is something like “Hi my name is suchandsuch and I live with my dog ruru. Ruru is a good dog, except that she’s furry,” and I don’t find their pictures even somewhat appealing, 9 times out of 10, I’m just gonna move it right along.  Now keep in mind, I don’t check the Yahoo personals all that much.

So, at 11:04pm on 10/1 I get another email from the guy who loves his furry dog. (this email came about 8 hours from when he sent the original one, mind you (I didn’t even have a chance to respond with one of the stock answers like thanks but no thanks.) This is what he wrote:

what the fu ck do you mean , are all the good men gone, of course have gone, and you are not in their ranks, and you know why, couse you are not one. dont be a dumb bitch, the ratios of man to women are roughly one to one,so you will find one , to your worth and should not look for better, get it. bye now and don’t respond

What the fuck? Don’t be a dumb bitch. I am not in their ranks? And by “their” who’s ranks do you mean? All the good ones? I can tell you my friend, you are definitely not one of the good ones.

This email actually insulted me a bit, I’m not gonna lie. I don’t like to be called a dumb bitch, cause I am neither. Well, ok, I can be a bitch sometimes, but dumb I absolutely am not.

Why do people have to be so mean? I would have never, in a million years, ever responded to someone in this way. I would have politely declined his offer to chat and moved on. Did he really think he was going to win over my heart by A. not even giving me enough time to respond or B. calling me a dumb bitch or C. saying I’m not in the ranks of any good men? And maybe I’m not.

Maybe all the good ones are taken? Maybe I’m not what a good man is looking for? Maybe I set myself up to be that way?

Nah, I don’t think so. I’m awesome.

But I do know one thing, never curse as soon as you wake up. You can come up with way more colorful phrases, curse words and feel way better about doing so after you’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Trust me , I know. Thank you very much creepy fucktard!

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I’m a social networking/connectivity whore.

by The Bare Essentials Today on September 1, 2009

I can’t help it.

Sometimes I feel like the chick doing yoga in “He’s Just Not That Into You.”  Constantly looking down at my phone for that soft, red glow my notification button, that is if I don’t hear the buzz or feel the vibration first. Oh that slight, buzz, buzz, I get when I get a new text, email, Facebook notification, voicemail or whatever might be occupying a home in one of my many inboxes.

Yes, I said inboxes.

I have several different email accounts for my viewing pleasure (two Yahoo, two gmail, one work and an AOL one around somewhere that I haven’t used in whothefuckknowswhen, probably since I got rid of dial-up and chat rooms.) All of these buzz into my crackberry, which I absolutely could not live without. Also connected to said crackberry are my Facebook, Twitter and Myspace accounts. (I haven’t done LinkedIn yet because it doesn’t provide me with the social networking status updates that I crave.) I also have it set up so I get notifications for my match and eHarmony accounts.  As I sit here typing this, I have my crackberry next to me, Facebook opened in one browser, Twitter in another, a Gmail account and one Yahoo account all open. The crackberry is vibrating and my IM is going off on AOL and through Facebook, I love it.

I can’t help it, I constantly feel the need to be connected. It makes me feel good. I love to stay in touch with old friends, catch up on gossip, get breaking news alerts (I have a plethora of useless information stored in my brain.) I love getting new friend requests. Except when they are from people I barely knew, who want to pilfer my email addy from FB and spam me with group invites to sex clubs and shit.

Fuck those people.

Everyone else, FR away!

But, being connected also dredges up the past. Like the one guy I dated who was only going out with me to have sex so he could “practice” for his current girlfriend (who I didn’t sleep with thankyouverymuch) or all those dreaded questions I go so tired of answering like are you married? How many kids do you have? How come you’re not married? (gee, like I haven’t asked myself that same question over and over and over again. If I come up with a good answer I’ll give you a ringy dingy and let you know.)

Being connected also satisfies my instant gratification obsession. It’s all about instant gratification for me. I sometimes lose sight of the fact that not everyone responds in the same manner that I do. And by manner, I mean instantly. I don’t let any email in my box go unread or unanswered. Ever. I get ticked when I don’t get immediate responses. I know, it’s not good.

Connection is part of the reason I started this site. That and I need an outlet, nothing wrong with that. It’s been frustrating getting it up and running, this is a whole new realm of connection that I’m not familiar with. So I implore you….read and pass my site along.

It’s hard out there for a pimp, yo.

And do it quickly, remember I have that need for instant gratification!

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