Posts tagged as:

creepy dudes

Oh eHarmony, how you tease me

by The Bare Essentials Today on August 3, 2010

eHarmony, you tease me so with your online and television ads of finding that perfect someone. Boasting the most relationships/marriages from an online dating site. That really cute guy in the commercial.

 Delivering my matches to me daily. Not letting me see their pictures in the emails you send me, I anxiously log in each morning to see what bit of juiciness you have sent me to select from today.

 You fail.

 Meet J.

 The one thing J is most passionate about? PC Gaming

J’s occupation? (this is an official quote from his profile) My official tittle is Inormation Facilitator, essentially I am a receptionist b…

 This leaves me to wonder what a receptionist b is, but never mind that, it’s his “what I’m thankful for” that really puts the icing on the cake.

  1. I am thankful that I live in a country where freedom is cherished and people can achieve their dreams.
  2. His friends
  3. I am thankful for the vision I have that I can live life as most people without visual impairments.

 Thank god for that one! He’d probably be super interested in me, especially since I don’t have anymore vision impairments thanks to my Lasik Surgery.

 I’m sure he needs that good vision for all his PC gaming and because his leisure time is spent gaming or internet communicating.

 Don’t get me wrong. I love to play games. Hell, I have a Wii, a PS2 and a DS.  I’m guilty. I’ve played Sims. For days on end, I admit it. Or getting into new Harry Potter game on my PS2 that I start it at 10am on a Saturday and don’t realize that it’s 1am Sunday morning and I’m still stuck trying to figure out how to get inside that fucking room of requirement. But this is not all the time. In fact, I haven’t even turned on my Wii in ages!

 You can also find me hanging out on Twitter or surfing other people’s blogs, or commenting and occasionally writing on Real World Venus vs Mars, but I don’t think that’s one of my key attributes that dudes want to hear about me on my eHarmony profile.

 Or is it?

 I do mention that I rock at Guitar Hero and that definitely garnered me great response from this awesome guy.

 But I’m thinking that’s not what he means by PC gaming.

 All I can picture, is some geek with greasy hair, sitting by his PC playing something like Doom or Myst. Not having much social interaction except from online chat rooms and PC gaming forums.  

 Probably still living with his mother.

 And he didn’t post a picture, so I’m sure I’m right.

 I’ve decided to archive this match.

 Why?

 Not because of his job tittle, as tittilating as it sounds or even because of the PC gaming. And definitely not because of the great vision he has.

He’s 5’5”.

 I’m shallow like that.

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I should never have to wake up to mean emails. They make me want to curse and it’s not good to curse first thing in the morning. Besides, I can come up with more colorful phrases once I’ve had my coffee.

by The Bare Essentials Today on October 3, 2009

I used to live with this dick guy. Every morning when the alarm would go off, I would say something to the effect of “aw, fuck, it’s way too early. I don’t wanna get up yet.”  Every morning he would lecture me on how cursing first thing when you get up is not good, it ruined his day, changed the whole tone of the day, blah, blah, blah.

Thankyouvery much Tony freakin Robbins.

This week I have woken up to two emails that made me want to curse like a truck driver. Which I do anywhos, so it’s not really out of the norm, but they really ticked me off.

I had my crackberry charging near my bed and saw it as soon as my alarm went off. So not only was my alarm annoying the crap out of me, I got to see this little gem before I even had one foot on the floor. (Note to self, do not charge crackberry in bedroom. That is my space and it’s all about me in there!) It was from an employee, who emailed my boss and copied me on it basically saying that I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t do what I promised them I would do and they needed upper management to step in. I stormed into work, explained the situation to my boss and all was right with the world. However, this particular employee continued to surface with the same complaint all fucking week. Over and over the emails would go back and forth to my boss and to another outside vendor that we use.

The next irate email that I received was actually just this morning and it wasn’t work related. Every morning I get up and check all, yes I said all…don’t judge, my email accounts. I have a separate one for my Match/eHarmony personals and one for my Yahoo personals. I don’t subscribe to Yahoo personals, but I do have a profile up there. Some loser dude emailed me there on 10/1 with some highly witty message like “Hi, can we talk?” So enticing, right? Anywho, I can’t really respond to these messages because I don’t pay for a membership, so I can choose from a bunch of stock phrases that are in a drop down box. If they are somewhat interesting, I might choose one to respond with. But when the first like of their profile is something like “Hi my name is suchandsuch and I live with my dog ruru. Ruru is a good dog, except that she’s furry,” and I don’t find their pictures even somewhat appealing, 9 times out of 10, I’m just gonna move it right along.  Now keep in mind, I don’t check the Yahoo personals all that much.

So, at 11:04pm on 10/1 I get another email from the guy who loves his furry dog. (this email came about 8 hours from when he sent the original one, mind you (I didn’t even have a chance to respond with one of the stock answers like thanks but no thanks.) This is what he wrote:

what the fu ck do you mean , are all the good men gone, of course have gone, and you are not in their ranks, and you know why, couse you are not one. dont be a dumb bitch, the ratios of man to women are roughly one to one,so you will find one , to your worth and should not look for better, get it. bye now and don’t respond

What the fuck? Don’t be a dumb bitch. I am not in their ranks? And by “their” who’s ranks do you mean? All the good ones? I can tell you my friend, you are definitely not one of the good ones.

This email actually insulted me a bit, I’m not gonna lie. I don’t like to be called a dumb bitch, cause I am neither. Well, ok, I can be a bitch sometimes, but dumb I absolutely am not.

Why do people have to be so mean? I would have never, in a million years, ever responded to someone in this way. I would have politely declined his offer to chat and moved on. Did he really think he was going to win over my heart by A. not even giving me enough time to respond or B. calling me a dumb bitch or C. saying I’m not in the ranks of any good men? And maybe I’m not.

Maybe all the good ones are taken? Maybe I’m not what a good man is looking for? Maybe I set myself up to be that way?

Nah, I don’t think so. I’m awesome.

But I do know one thing, never curse as soon as you wake up. You can come up with way more colorful phrases, curse words and feel way better about doing so after you’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Trust me , I know. Thank you very much creepy fucktard!

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