So, I made a decision today. I have cancelled all my online dating profiles.

I’ve been wasting so much time checking all my different inboxes, waiting to see who, if anyone, has emailed me or checked out my profile. And it’s just wrong. Creating new profiles on 284759684727 sites only to find the exact same people on each and every site. Ok, there are some new ones and each one offends me more than the last.

And, it’s bruising my ego.

I’ll admit, I cannot stand it if I email someone and they don’t respond. It drives me fucking bonkers. I hate the waiting. The wondering. The what-if of it all. And it hurts. Why don’t they email me back? Why don’t they like me? Is it the way I look? Is it something I wrote in my profile?

And I shouldn’t be this way. I don’t know these people. I have no vested interest in them, nor do they in me. I feel that I’ve lost myself. Become this other person I don’t know.

This cyber-dating whore.

Paying to meet someone.

And that’s not who I am. I don’t randomly date people I don’t know. I never used to dislike myself as much as I do now. I’ve never felt this alone.

So I’m done with it all. If it happens, it happens. I need to get back to me. And be comfortable with that. I’m a great person and I forget that sometimes.

So here’s me…

I’m generous. A pretty good cook (I make a mean Chicken Marsala and chocolate creme brulee.) I love Disney and I love to take pictures of people who offend me while I’m there. I text too much and get impatient when people don’t respond ASAP. I leave my shoes all over the house. I spend way too much money on Coach bags. I am too critical of myself. But I’m working on it. I *think* I want children someday but scared to death I’ll be a terrible parent. I love sex and miss having it regularly, but I won’t settle and just have sex to have sex. I smoke, and I know I need to quit. I drink too much red wine. I watch too much television and I love every minute of it. I own a bazillion books and I’ve read most of them. I love Christmas and spend it at my parents house every year (and I make my dad ready Twas the Night Before Christmas every year.) I’ve been to Europe, but have never visited our nations capital. I twitch my nose when I get nervous and I’ve been doing it way too much lately. Candyman scared the crap out of me. I got a perm once when I was in the 4th grad and thought it would be great if I wore an Annie dress to school. I never lived that one down. I love massages, but have a hard time relaxing. I usually get there about 30 minutes into it! I hate to wear dresses, but I love skirts. I love dressing up for Halloween, but hate decorating for Christmas (I’ll blame that on my sister and save that for another post!) I can have a wicked temper at times. I love to say fuck. I’d give almost anyone the shirt off my back.

That’s me…in the raw. And I’m taking me back.

{ 21 comments }