And I don’t mean “a” Prince Albert, I mean the Prince Albert. As in the mother of all piercings. Freaky.

 I dated a guy (three dates, counts as dating, right?) who had one of these. We were all snuggling and kissing on his couch one night and he started doing this whole spitty thing while we were kissing. And I was all ewww, it was starting to make me gag, so I asked him to stop. He apologized and said he had his tongue pierced, but he didn’t have it and that could be the reason. So me, all battying my eyelashes and trying tobe flirty, looked over and said you don’t have any other piercings I should know about do you? *all cute and sexy like* and he’s all well, yeah I do. I have a Prince Albert.

 Shutthefuckup.

 Now at this point, I thought I knew what it was, but didn’t want to say anything and sound stupid or worse say something to make him like drop his pants and show me. So I just dismissed the statement and went on kissing. But, when I got home, I googled, just to be sure.

 Who was this guy Prince Albert  and why the fuck did he put a ring through his penis? that shit has to hurt…bad, yo. I know, people are into all sorts of things and that’s their prerogative (thanks Bobby Brown) but c’mon now!

Why pierce a perfectly good appendage? Especially one that provides so much pleasure on its own, without said ring. And, the icing on the cake, Wiki says that if you take it out, you could potentially piss in all sorts of different directions! WTF?!?! I wouldn’t want to clean up that mess.  There are just too many unknowns for my taste. Couldn’t it pierce a condom? Why would you take a chance ruining a potentially kick-ass blow job only to find out the person going down on you has chipped a tooth on, guess what, that ring hanging off of your dick? What kind of pleasure does it actually give the bearer of the ring and should I be like calling you Frodo while we are having sex? Because I can tell you right now that ring ain’t getting anywhere near the depths of my Mordor, so you can start hoofing it back to the shire buddy.

 Call me inexperienced, or closed-minded. I’m all for pleasure, don’t get me wrong. But there are plenty of other ways to pleasure me then potentially chipping my tooth or, worse yet, ripping open my labia or any other part of my girly bits. Yikes! I like my junk just the way it is thankyouverymuch.

  Besides, how do I explain that to my gyno?

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