In light of yesterday’s events that I tweeted about, I thought I would tell you about the people in my neighborhood. I’ve lived there for almost 6 years and have an interesting array of neighbors, none I’m glad to say I have….just interesting. I will preface with the set up of my property, the back of my house faces a small ditch for water run off, my lanai is in the back of my house. The back of the houses across the ditch face my lanai, I have no privacy fence. Neither do they.
The Corner House Across the Ditch
This has always been a party house. It’s renters that have always lived there. The first year I was there, were constant frat parties. I’d be sitting on my lanai at night and there would be people puking on the side of the house. Classy. Now there is a new family renting and they have a few kids. About a week ago, I was sitting on my lanai, it was kind of dark, grilling some steaks (which came out super yummy BTW.) I saw this kid walk up to Mary Kay Letourneau’s house (we’ll get to her in a bit) and kind of look around while grabbing his crotch. Satisfied that no one was watching, he proceeded to take down his pants and piss all over their lawn! Disgusted, I contemplated yelling out to him that it wasn’t his property, that it was disgusting, etc. But hey, he was 8, he wouldn’t care. So I coughed really loudly mid stream and he jumped and looked at me and ran away. And the interesting thing…the fucker had just come out of his house! Why couldn’t he use the bathroom in there?
Ok, it’s not the real Mary Kay. But she had her young Vili and a baby. She was more like a cross between Carrie Heffernan and Mary Kay. And they fought. Like nobody’s business. He would come and go (I swear to god he looked just like Vili and about 12 years old) she would be stuck home with the kid kvetching on the phone to her mother in an awesome Carrie Heffernan voice, he’d come home drunk and she’d kick him out. This went on for about a year. One day, they were just gone. The swing set sits all rusted and falling apart in the backyard, patio furniture still on the lanai, unoccupied.
The people that live next door to Mary Kay actually seem kind of nice. I don’t really know them but they have a wicked cute little girl who really reminds me of Pearl from those Will Ferrell’s landlord videos. She’ll be outside in the back, babbling away and talking to me across the ditch. Very cute.
The Guy on House Arrest
Ok, I have no idea if he’s actually on house arrest, but he seems like it. Oh where to start with him. He only ever comes out back in the wee early hours of the morning to walk his dog. Then you don’t see him again until the weather is nicer and only on the weekends. I walked past the front of his house one day, he’s got sheets for curtains. Tacky. But oh the weekend fun when he has his lady friend over. They set up a table on his patio slab (it’s not screened in or anything, just right out there in the open.) Then the bring out one of those plastic kiddie pools that are like less than a foot deep and proceed to place chairs strategically around the pool and drape towels over the chairs. They sit down and have a drink, then decide they need to cool off..so they splash around in the kiddie pool. Hooting and hollering and then it gets quiet. I can only imagine what they do in that kiddie pool, with the towels attempting to cover it. And his lady friend is not the most delicate flower in the bunch. All I have to say about that is rough.
Guadalupe
This is my neighbor about two houses down from me. He’s very, very nice. His wife, not so much. Guadalupe (that’s not his real name, it always escapes me, so that’s what I call him!) is always out improving is lawn, planting flowers, decorating for some holiday or another. But the dude always wants to talk! I’ve taken to driving past very fast with my windows closed to avoid the long conversation that will inevitably ensue. And forget about when I walk up the block to get a Sunday paper, I could be gone for over an hour!
Window Washer Dude
I used to have a very nosy neighbor across the street. She was good to go to if you wanted any block gossip. She was in everybody’s business. Her husband was a trucker and I’m pretty sure that he had a child trapped in their attic, but that’s neither here nor there. He got transferred and they moved. In moved window washer dude. He wasn’t very friendly at all. But he always had a commercial window washing vehicle on the driveway (ahem, can you say deed restriction? Sure they don’t say anything to him but I get written up for having my garbage can outside.) And there were boys, always, coming in and out of that house. There were huge no trespassing signs or stay away from the dog signs. He never mowed his lawn. Then the boys stopped hanging around. The commercial vehicle was gone. And so was the window washer….gone in the night. I swear, I haven’t seen him in over 2 years. The house is not for sale, at least not that I know of.
The Teacher (the inspiration for this post)
The house directly next door to me should be occupied right now by a nice older couple from New Jersey. He was about 70 years old when he had this house built, his dream was to retire and live down here full time. That dream didn’t come true. Some snag with his job and he was not able to retire. They tried desperately to sell the house with no luck. They decided to rent, which is unfortunately what a lot of people in my ‘hood are, renters.
They rented the house to a teacher, what I thought to be her boyfriend and a sometimes kid. Some times there was one, sometimes there was more, sometimes there was none. They also had a sometimes very yappy dog. The way their house is set up, their front door is kind of on the side of the house, directly under my bedroom window. I should have guessed that they would be a problem when they put a David Statue as a decoration by their front door. At Christmas they hung a Merry Christmas sign around his neck and the bells at the bottom of it accented his balls very nicely. This teacher would be leaving her house almost every day at like 6:00 am and start yelling at the kid, at the top of her lungs, directly under my window where I was still all nestled with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. And she was mean. You stupid fucker, get out the house now. I done woke you up over a half hour ago. I ain’t waitin’ for your lazy ass and so on.
Yesterday was the kicker. I was out on my lanai, minding my own business surfing the net, coffee in hand. And the yelling starts. I try to ignore it, it’s loud but not that bad. I thought she was actually yelling at Guadalupe because I had seen his dog run between our two houses and down the back. Then I hear it. Shatter, shatter, shatter. Then I smell it. It smelled like the cast of the Jersey Shore had pulled up on my lawn and they were in full party mode ready to creep some chicks at a club. The stench of cheap cologne. Wafting and damn, it just kept getting worse. I couldn’t really hear anything, so I was desperate to know what was going on. I picked up my phone to call Verizon (had an appointment for them to come out today and I needed to follow up) and pretended to walk to my mailbox to pick up my mail from Saturday. Stupid, I should have never went out there with the phone in hand.
There she was, standing on the front lawn, hair all messy, crazy look in here eyes, surrounded by his clothes that were strewn all over the lawn, and broken cologne bottles. That explained that. Now I knew where the stench was coming from.
This fight lasted for a little while longer. Lots of yelling and cussing. Then the po po were called. I’m still not sure if it was the kid or the husband that called but all I was worried about was that she thought it was me that called them. She denied throwing his stuff on the lawn. The cop, basically, did absolutely nothing. Didn’t even write a report. She said he had some of her stuff. The cop dutifully explained that since they were married, his stuff was hers and vice versa. Ahh, is that how marriage works?
As soon as the cop left, the fighting started right back up again. He was out back making a phone call and she was telling him to give her her mother fucking phone back. You dumb illiterate bitch. Then she told the kid, it’s alright, if you hear me scream, don’t be afraid, just call 911. Priceless.
So a little while later, I go to pull out of my garage and guess what. Their car is on my driveway, blocking me in. She couldn’t park on her own because she had broken all those cologne bottles on it and didn’t want to get glass in her tire. Bitch.
It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?
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