That’s how I feel. And today is probably not a good day for me to write, because I’m all bottled up and I don’t want to be all whiny here. This is supposed to be my shiny happy place. 

But I’m frustrated. Or fuh-strated, as some people I know like to pronounce it and that drives me absolutely bonkers. 

I’m frustrated personally, sexually, professionally and I just don’t know what to do about it. I feel like I have given into the mundane. Same thing every single day, over and over and over, with no end in sight. 

Professionally, there have been some huge changes as of late where I work and I’m not sure I like where they are going. I’ve been feeling very trapped here as of late, but the changes just intensified that. I feel like they are trying to micro-manage us and I don’t work so well under those conditions. It feels like my department has been under huge scrutiny, which strikes me as kind of funny since we are the most accountable department in the company. Well, maybe there’s another one, but they are small and they know who they are. We are constantly being asked to “help out” other departments because they are slacking off. But I’m just a peon here, not like I can say anything. I wouldn’t even begin to know where to look for another job, because in this economy it’s tough and I don’t even know what I would want to do. I’ve had such a strange array of jobs and not one of the jobs has flowed into the other nicely. It’s always learning a new industry. I should be grateful that I have a job, and I am for the pay check, but I just feel that it’s time for something new. Then again, the thought of starting at the bottom, again, scares the crap out of me.

 I probably don’t have to go into the whole sexual frustration. It’s pretty obvious. Some of you probably already know my stance on casual sex from the debate over on In the Real World, Venus vs Mars. It’s just not me, but sometimes I wish it was. So I could let go of some of those frustrations. That would be a nice release, pun definitely intended. 

Personally, geez where to start. I think all of the things mentioned above feed into the personal frustrations. I feel like I have a lot to offer, given the right opportunity to offer it, but if you asked me right now I couldn’t tell you what it is I have to offer. Does that make any sense at all? 

I guess I always had “ideas” of where I would be at this point in my life and those ideas certainly didn’t include Florida, being single and sexually frustrated! I feel like everyone around me is moving at a decent pace and I seem to be stuck in the mud. Work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat. Sometimes I think I try too hard or come on too strong, but then I think if I don’t try too hard I’ll never put myself out there and no one will notice. Well they notice alright…notice that I’m trying too hard and it scares some people off or annoys some people when I speak my mind and don’t just settle for something that I don’t necessarily believe it.

I guess I just wish I knew what I wanted so I had some place to direct my attentions and distract me from the areas where I am lacking. I know nothing can change overnight, but nothing will ever change if I don’t figure out what it is I’m after. 

I wonder how different my life would be if I had never moved down here. It kind of feels like everything got “stuck” when I moved and it’s never come undone again. I moved here out of almost desperation (lost my boyfriend, my job and my apartment, well, his apartment, all in one week.) What if I had just given myself a little bit longer to find something back up North? But I guess I really can’t live in the world of what if’s…I could drown myself there. 

I think I need to get my life in order over the next few months and figure out what I want. 

But for today, I will remain that genie in a bottle until someone rubs me the right way!

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