I think the cells on my cervix have decided to start filming their own version of a Girls Gone Wild video. I’ll call it cells gone wild.

As if going to the gyno is not awkward and embarrassing enough, getting that phone call a week later really blows.
Nurse: Hi is this Essentials Today?
Me: Yes
Nurse: This is Kim from Dr. Pains office, we got the results from your pap and we’d like to schedule a test for you.
Me: What? Did I not scootch down on the table enough? Since when do they start testing me on this kind of junk?
Nurse: Your pap came back abnormal and the doctor wanted to schedule a colposcopy.
Me: What the fuck? I don’t even use my junk that often, how can it be broken???
Nurse:Just standard procedure
Me: Don’t they want to do another pap to make sure first? I can make them behave on demand.
Nurse: No, she wants to be sure, so we’re just going to do the procedure.
Me: *shuddering at the thought of a “procedure” on my girly bits* Um, ok, when?
Nurse: Well the first appointment we can get you in is December 3rd.

Those kind of phone calls are so fucking scary. I know that there are 9857635529047575960 reasons that a pap can come back abnormal, but your mind always goes to the worst case scenario. So I freak and call my mom.
Me: Hey, just wanted to let you know, I got a call from doctor and my pap came back abnormal
Mom: What does that mean?
Me: I’m not really sure. It can be anything from pre-cancerous cells, to cancerous cells, to HPV to just having a bacterial infection. I don’t know. They want to do a colposcopy to check it out.
Mom: When is your appointment, I’ll go with you.
Me: Well, they can’t get me in until December 3rd.
Mom: Why do they always take so long? I don’t understand that.
Me: Well, I’ll take that as a good sign. If it was really something to be concerned about, they would have gotten me in quicker.
Mom: Are you alright?
Me: I’m fine, I’m not going to worry until they tell me I have something to worry about.
Mom: But a procedure?
Me: If she thinks she can get more information from that then..
Mom: Hold on, my phone is beeping.
Me: *silence*
Mom: Hmm, it’s Great Clips. Wonder why they’re calling me. Hold on a minute while I click over

Yes, you read that right. I’m in the middle of telling my mother there is a chance that she might not get any grandkids from me and she clicked over to take a call from fucking Great Clips.

Love you too mom!

I’m not going to worry about this until after the test. There is no sense in stressing myself out over it. There’s nothing I can do about it now. Except wait for my girly bits to be invaded by a camera and potentially biopsied. And wonder.

What if I can’t have kids? I’m 36 and no where near any type of relationship that would involve procreation. Up until about 2 years ago I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids. And now I find myself wondering if I’m going to have steal the turkey baster we use at Thanksgiving and make a little deposit on my own.

But then, I heard about my good, good friend Anissa yesterday and it makes my problems seem like nothing. So please say a prayer for Anissa and her family. They can really use them right about now.

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